FIVE WAYS TO STOP SABOTAGING YOURSELF

Written by:  Deborah Day, M.A.

            It seems so many people are feeling dissatisfied in their lives.  We hear it daily on the many newscasts about individuals making so many negative choices: from dishonesty, to addictions, to murders, to suicides etc.  More so, we hear it closer to home, such as in our neighborhoods, workplaces and in our social situations.  And, many of you reading this are struggling with general dissatisfaction and discouragement.  When we feel this way we tend to make decisions that hurt us in one way or another.   What can we do to feel more satisfied and in control of our lives?  Well, for starters, since we can not control all the external events that occur, let's start with an aspect we can do something about:  ourselves!  This is one area you DO have the power to effect positive change!

            First and foremost I encourage you to become aware of what you are telling yourself...your internal dialogue.  Whether you are conscious of it or not, you are chattering to yourself all the time.  Unfortunately, most people don't take the time to notice the quality of their internal chattering.  Pay attention.  Stop and take a moment every hour and check in with your internal dialogue.  Notice if it is critical or nurturing.  If you are being hard on yourself, correct your dialogue.  The more patient, kind and encouraging you can be with yourself; the better you will feel and behave.  Your internal messages are central to your ability to live a more full and productive life.

            Secondly, it is essential to identify your values and goals.  How can you attain the life you want if you are not clear about what is most important to you?  Just going through the motions of daily life is living passively.   As I state in my book, "one is often so busy doing life that it is easy to avoid evaluating whether you are putting your energy in the directions you value most."  Taking time to gain clarity about what is important to you is essential.  As you are more aware of what you value, then you create goals that will adhere to and reinforce those values.  Goal setting is a way of assuring that you are progressing in a manner that aligns with your values

            Thirdly, pay attention to your behaviors.  We have all heard the saying "actions speak louder than words."  Well, what are your actions saying about you?  Do you like what your behaviors are saying?  Are your actions in harmony with your values?  It is great to know what you value.  However, a key element to stop self-sabotaging is to behave in ways that emerge from your values.  If you don't take responsibility for how you are living your life it will be hard to feel satisfied.  You may on occasion (or by accident) feel happy, however, it will usually be short lived.  The best way to insure you achieve the greatest satisfaction out of life is to behave intentionally.  Many clients tell me they put their head in the sand to avoid dealing with reality.  Take your head out of the sand and live on purpose!

            Fourthly, be more selective in your relationships.  Our friendships mirror us.  They are reflections of who we are at some level.  It is imperative that you take responsibility in all your relationship choices.  Are your friendships in alignment with your values?  Are they helping or hindering you in achieving your goals?  The people you choose to spend close personal time with need to be people that encourage you more than discourage you.   I often hear people say "well, you can't pick your family," which is true, however, that doesn't mean you have to tolerate hurtful or inappropriate behaviors.  Even with family you have to learn to set limits and boundaries.  You can control how much time you spend with them and what activities you are comfortable participating in with them. 

            The crux of how you can stop sabotaging yourself is to start living intentionally and on purpose.  Stop just reacting to life and start paying attention.  That is the essence of being the active director of your life - paying attention.  If you begin by consciously focusing on these four areas you will start to feel more satisfied.  All of these areas are always your responsibility no matter what the circumstances are in your life.  Life ebbs and flows, sometimes in more pleasant ways than other times.  No matter what is occurring you always have a choice of how to respond.  Choose to live each day knowing that you and your life are your responsibility and that you deserve to live as full and complete as possible.